I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
