I can text with my tongue
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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