Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
