Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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