Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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