babies were throwing up all over the place
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
