i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Success! We fucked roommates!
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
