Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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