just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
