I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Randomize
