I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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