In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
We need to get me chipped asap
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
