Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
