We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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