after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
