ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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