Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
