mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
