i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
