How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
