There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
