I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
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