I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
God, I missed his penis.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
