When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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