Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
