DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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