My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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