Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
my phone needs a breathalizer
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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