Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
