Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
