when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
