Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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