...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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