Non-Jews are for practice
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Alive.
So much puke
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Randomize
