I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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