HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
