This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
