I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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