Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
