I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
