How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
