the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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