So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
