It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
