I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
