Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
