I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Randomize
