Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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