Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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