I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
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