my phone needs a breathalizer
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
